You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
