ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
