you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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