I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
