3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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