Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
