I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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