it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
