between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
