Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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