John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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