i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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