So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
