And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
