First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
