I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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