I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
