On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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