he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Is Oprah even human
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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