My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
