Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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