I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
