Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
