i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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