so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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