my mouth tastes like poor choices
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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