theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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