I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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