I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
