I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
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You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
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I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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