I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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