thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
