Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
