We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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