God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
