He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
