Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize