walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
