I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
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You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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