I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
