So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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