Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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