How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
