If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
where are you?
Hypothermia
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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