Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
