I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
