my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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