just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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