you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
