you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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