Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
the liver wants what the liver wants
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
