i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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