i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
