Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
