forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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