Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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