I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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