Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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