I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
